I feel stuck. I feel trapped.

I have a severly destructive personality. I have a seriously addictive personality. I feel useless not going to school, not having a boyfriend anymore, not having a job currently.. What else can I possibly do with my spare time? I want a problem. I want something to be mine. Something to fixate on. Something that’s my secret. I want people to worry. I want to be messed up. I want to be fucked up. I want something that takes over me. Something that I can control, and then eventually loose control over. I just want control over things. I want a job. I want to be in love. I want to be going to school. But I can’t really have control over everything. I want good opportunities but I feel like I can never get them. I want to loose control. I have nothing to think about right now except him and when I’ll get fucked up next. My life was way more exciting when I was on drugs. I had something that made me me. Something to focus on. Something that I controlled, and something that controlled me. I don’t even smoke cigarettes anymore, and every day I think about buying a pack. I want something to fill up my lungs. Inhale. Exhale. I want something that will fuck me up; something that I can make up an excuse for the way that I am. Something that’s mine and only mine. Something that nobody else can control but me. Something that will make me feel good, at least for a little while.

I can’t even write anymore.

Karma Police

I’m only happy when I’m fucked up. I crave any instance that involves drugs or alcohol. Because it’s rare in my life now instead of a daily proportion.